So much has changed this year. Heck, so much has changed in my life in the past few months. I have more stability in some ways, less in others. Things I thought were going to be wonderful things that brought good to my family haven't, and things I didn't think would work out have worked out in ways I'd never expected.
Right now, though, I have to be patient. I have to wait for a lot of things that are completely out of my control to come to fruition, and the world being dark and full of cold and snow isn't helping much. I know spring's gonna come someday, because it's never not come, but right now, things feel...more impossible and hard to sit with than I wanted them to be. I've talked before about the power of sitting with someone in the quiet spaces, and how it's okay to not have all the answers, but this time, it's a little different.
You see, we're heading into the Baha'i Fast. The last month of the Baha'i calendar is a time of fasting (abstaining from food or drink from sunrise to sunset, if you are able - no putting yourself in danger if medical stuff prevents you, or if you are elderly or very young or travelling), and also a time of prayer and comtemplation - reflecting on the year that's past, disconnecting from our material self and focusing on our spiritual selves. So...sitting in the quiet spaces is almost expected to happen during the Fast, as we sit with ourselves and with each other.
It's not about punishment, it's not about atonement or absolution, it's about letting go of the world and sinking deeper into our relationship with God. As Abdu'l-Baha wrote, "this material fast is an outer token of the spiritual fast; it is a symbol of self-restraint, the withholding of oneself from all appetites of the self, taking on the characteristics of the spirit, being carried away by the breathings of heaven and catching fire from the love of God".
For 19 days, it's not about us, our meat-selves and our "idle fancies and vain imaginings". We pause, we reflect, we pray. It's not easy, but its an act of love that requires a lot of patience. So, there's patience layered on patience layered on patience, right now. Patience for the upcoming Fast, patience for my life stuff that's going on in the background, and most of all, patience for myself. I'm not perfect at any of this. In fact...I'm awful at a lot of it. But this year, I'm going to try to sit with myself, in my perfectly imperfectness. I will sit with my joy, with my heartache, with my ardent love for Baha'u'llah,with the things that aren't where I want them to be and the things I don't know yet where they're going. As Baha'u'llah reminds me in one of my favourite Hidden Words, O SON OF MAN! For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials." (The video below is a sung version of this passage by Rosanna Lea, which is what helped me memorize it a while back.)
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