I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to truly love myself. It's something I struggle with a lot, and I know I'm not alone in that. The world tells us to love ourselves, to pamper ourselves, all of those messages about self-care and bubble baths and crushing that workout at the gym and treating yourself to that one thing that will make you feel better.
But what do you do when you don't have money for fancy pedicures or massages or trips away or bubble baths? What do you do when you work weird hours and have no tub and can't afford to take time off work? How do you love yourself when you are exhausted and stressed beyond all belief?
It's not easy. Some days I just feel like everything's impossible, that there's nothing good left in me. I can't summon up the energy to heat up a Cup Noodle, let alone anything else, and that mountain of cardboard that needs to go to the recycle is threatening to take over the kitchen again, and it all feels like it is just too much. I don't have the time or the wherewithal to do any of that "self-care" stuff, it's all I can do to just get home, curl up in bed, and hope the next day will be better (or at the very least, different).
Something I keep clinging to is this idea that it's okay to not love all of myself every day. Some days are easy - I put on my swishy black bellydance pants and I go out and I feel like I can conquer the world, or I pull on my patch covered denim jacket and dance my way through my errands. Other days, I might just love a tiny bit of myself. Other days, I have to trust that even if I can't see the good, it's still in there. And other days....other days I gotta turn to something outside myself.
One of my favourite Hidden Words is "O SON OF MAN! Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty." I love holding onto that - this idea that God loved the idea of a me SO MUCH that He couldn't bear there not being a me in the world. So here I am, born out of such a great love. So how can I not love me, if He loved me enough to make me, just as I am, in all my awkward strange frustrating beautiful ridiculous miraculous wholeness? He knew I wasn't gonna be perfect, because none of us are, but He made me anyhow. Doesn't matter how many people barked or mooed at me as I walked down the street, or how many people told me I was too much or not enough or that I'd never or that I always - at the end of the day, there's something bigger than all that for me to hold onto.
It's not perfect - there are days where I sit and am like "Okay, God, but why did you create me just this way, with these problems or tricky bits?" And I probably won't ever know the answers to all that. But that's alright. I just put one foot in front of the other, and trust that God's holding onto me, and He'll see me through. (And maybe I also raid the change jar for enough money for ice cream, because that's good too.)
I've also given myself permission to find the things that feel good to me. I wear bright happy dresses because I like the way they look and feel, I wear pants that swish when I move because I like clothes that move as much as I do. I don't like socks, so I don't wear them (unless it's too cold). I figure that even if I can't fix everything, if I can at least feel good in the things I am wearing, it's a small step. And they might not always be the things that other people think I should wear (when you're tall and fat, people have LOADS of ideas of what you "should" wear), but it makes my heart bubble up with joy, so I figure that's good enough. The rest of the world can just deal with it - God knows, literally, that I am a bright joyful chaos bean of absolute love and delight, and if other people don't like handflaps of joy and holographic nail polish and clothes that make it clear I have a body that takes up space in the world, well, I can't help that.
So, sit with yourself. Find just one tiny thing you love. Think about how the universe put you together just so, so that one thing or three things or however many things could exist. I promise you, even in the darkest dark, when you can't find a thing to love about yourself, someone does. Maybe you don't see it as God loving on you, maybe it's just how your friend says they love your smile or your partner compliments your cooking or your kids tell you you are soft and good for hugs. Whatever it is, hold onto it. Write it down, somewhere you'll see it. Don't worry if you can't do the bubble baths and wine or the mani-pedis or the trips to faraway places or massages - there's plenty of room for small joys too.
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