Forever Flicker in Closeup

I am...not a small person. I take up space. I'm 6 ft tall, and roughly 300lbs. I'm a giant, and I love it. I don't care to be tiny - my body serves me well, and does a lot of amazing things for me and with me. It gets me where I need to go, it lets me give really good hugs, it's good for a lot. I'm used to taking up space, it's not a new concept. I thought me and my body were on pretty good terms - I love it, it loves me, I make sure to feed it vegetables more often than cake, I rest when I need to, all of that good stuff. I'm not perfect, but I try.

But...lately, I've discovered that me and my body aren't always as good at talking to each other as I thought. I've started doing bellydance - very casual intro stuff taught by someone I very much value. It's fun, but...it's hard. And not just physical work hard - that I expected. I expected learning to move in new ways using new muscles would be an adjustment, and it is. What I didn't expect, was how much my brain make my body resist.

It's supposed to be about surrender - about letting the music show you what it wants, how your body should move. It's a conversation, it's freedom...it's a lot of me forgetting where my feet are, because there's a disconnect somewhere in my middle. It's me being terrified to move, to flow, to let go. It's not about how I will look - I'm a  fat human, I'mma gonna wobble like a giant jello. It's about...moving and taking up the room and not being good at it and letting myself feel it and move in ways that aren't "proper", are just feeling and sensuality maybe and just...surrendering.

I never realized how tightly I hold myself. I try so hard to make sure I take up just enough space, but not too much space, that any of myself doesn't touch anyone sitting beside me on the bus, that I am as small as I can be so that people don't call me out on the ways they find my size offensive or annoying. My husband remarks on how my shoulders are always tight, from hours of holding myself just so. I don't even realize I'm doing it, most of the time. I'm just used to accepting I take up space, and hoping that enough other people don't notice in uncomfortable ways til I get through the day.

I have no desire to lose lots of weight (and I know how impossible, statistically, that all is anyhow). I'm cool with being soft and curved and how my butt fills my jeans. I just...don't know how to move, how to let go. how to feel the beat of the music, that audacious conversation, and to let go long enough to let myself be a part of it. Anyone who has gone dancing with me has heard me refer to myself as an electrocuted octopus, because I don't know how to just...let the music talk, without all of my brain screaming at it about how this is NOT OKAY.

I'm trying to undo that. I'm trying to get through years of purity culture, of church teaching me that True Love Waits and the world insisting that as a person in a woman-shaped meat suit...I need to be quiet and submissive and how dare I enjoy this magical gift of a body that God gave me.

I'm *done*. I'm tired! I don't wanna listen. Maybe I will make a terrible bellydancer. Maybe my limbs WILL be everywhere and maybe I *can't * figure out the 1-2-3 beat and maybe I will just be all jello all over the place....but maybe...that's okay. maybe it's okay to just...love myself in all of my learning to let go, to surrender, to let myself be a part of that conversation.

Abdu'l-Baha reminds us that we should "[r]eflect upon the inner realities of the universe, the secret wisdoms involved, the enigmas, the inter-relationships, the rules that govern all. For every part of the universe is connected with every other part by ties that are very powerful and admit of no imbalance, nor any slackening whatever." I am connected with every other bit of the world, with the music and sounds and feelings and people and everything. I'm allowed, even encouraged, to be a part of that. We're all one thing, many pieces of one whole. So I'm not letting go, so much, as just...letting myself feel the music and be one with it, and find the ways it is tied to me and I am tied to it.

After all, as one of my most favourite quotes from Abdu'l-Baha reminds me, "Consider the flowers of a garden. Though differing in kind, color, form, and shape, yet, inasmuch as they are refreshed by the waters of one spring, revived by the breath of one wind, invigorated by the rays of one sun, this diversity increaseth their charm, and addeth unto their beauty. How unpleasing to the eye if all the flowers and plants, the leaves and blossoms, the fruits, the branches and the trees of that garden were all of the same shape and color! Diversity of hues, form and shape, enricheth and adorneth the garden, and heighteneth the effect thereof. In like manner, when divers shades of thought, temperament and character, are brought together under the power and influence of one central agency, the beauty and glory of human perfection will be revealed and made manifest."

So maybe right now I'm just a shaky little sapling in the wind, but it's a start. I am giving myself permission, right now, to let go, to move, to stop letting the old world drag me down by my toes. If we wanna change the world, we gotta learn how to move. So...I'm gonna dance.

Threw Our Roses in the Snow

It's...suddenly very winter. This week went from "oh hey I can still get away with running shoes and my middle weight coat" to "BOOTS HATS MITTS BIG COAT ALL OF IT ALL THE LAYERS". Complete with large piles of snow everywhere.

It's cold, it's dark, it's not my favourite time of year. Coming home from work in the dark is hard, and I miss green and growing things. Sparkly snow is nice, but then I think about the sidewalks not being safe, and I lose my happy.

So, I am trying to focus on the things that...aren't dark cold misery slush gross. Like how people are getting excited about the holidays (whatever wintery ones you celebrate). This is my first holiday season since I declared, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. How do I integrate my new Baha'i self, with all the holiday stuff around me?

I mean...mostly, it's not gonna change. I'm still excitedly finding Christmas gifts for my loved ones (I bought the BEST book for my nephew, and I can't wait to read it with him), planning events with my family and friends so we can see each other and eat delicious things (that reminds me, I should find my speculaas recipe...) and enjoy each other's company. I might not "do Christmas" in the same way my Christian family or friends do, as in it's not a Baha'i holy day or anything, but I still love the happy spirit of it, and the chances to remind people I like that oh hey, yes, it's dark, its cold, there's snow everywhere, but we can find the joy amidst all of that.

So, I'm starting my list of card-sending, like I try to do when I can afford it. They might be Christmas cards for my Christmas-celebrating friends, or just "hi I like you, good job surviving the snow so far" cards for my non-Christmas friends, or whatever it is my loved ones find important about this time of year. Because yes, it's prompted by this outpouring of love and connection that this time of year seems to bring up in people, but mostly, it's a good excuse to go "HEY YOU, YES YOU...I like you, thanks for making it through another year with me."

And then today I realized...it's actually MORE FUN being a Baha'i this year! Because once Christmas is done and all the ornaments are packed up and the tree is gone and we've welcomed a new year....WE GET TO DO IT AGAIN. Kinda. Not quite the same, but still.

You see, the Baha'i calendar is...not the same as the "normal" calendar.  Our calendar starts on Naw-Ruz which set on the vernal equinox (so March 21 ish). We have 19 months of 19 days, and there's always a few days that don't fit into that. Some people call them just the Intercalary Days, which okay yep, true, but they're also a festival! It's called Ayyam-i-Ha, and it's basically about socializing with people, being hospitable to people, sharing with the poor and needy, and just...getting your celebration and joy on before the month of fasting (which is the last month of the Baha'i year).

This year, Ayyam-i-Ha is from February 26-29. So right in that bit of winter where you're pretty convinced that Spring might just not make it here this year! I realized that there's nothing stopping me from also sending people cards for Ayyam-i-Ha, so this year, I'm gonna try. I figure most people I know will appreciate the bit of non-bills related mail, and it's a bit more unexpected joy, which the world is in much need of. I'm kinda excited for this - I like the idea that before I get into the fast, where I'm all comtemplative and recharging my spiritual batteries...I get to recharge my friendship and community batteries too.

I am probably going to try to make my own cards, because that sounds like fun (and I am pretty sure the dollar store won't have any Ayyam-i-Ha cards), so that will be a fun chance to be creative too.

I'm slowly figuring out how to integrate my Baha'i bits with the rest of my bits, and it's a fun adventure. Although I promise, I won't send lots of glitter on the cards. :)

I Caught Wind and Hit the Road Runnin'

(This was originally supposed to be posted before the Bicentenary, but I got sick. I think there are still some good thoughts in here, though, so I am still posting it.)

In just a few short hours, I will be on vacation for 10 whole days. I'm super excited, and not just because it's a chance to step away from work for a little bit and reset my batteries, but because my time off is going to be FULL of adventures.

If you're not aware, next week marks a pretty big event in the Baha'i world - it's the Twin Holy Birthdays! We get to celebrate the birth of the Bab AND the birth of Baha'u'llah, one day after each other. That in and of itself is pretty cool, but on top of that, this year marks the 200th anniversary of the birth of the Bab, so it's extra super special.

There are SO many things going on in my community in the coming days. We've got celebrations large and small (and trust me, if you have some free time and want to celebrate with us? There's lots of ways we can do that together, no matter if you're a Baha'i or not. We're excited, and we want to share that with everyone!) and it's going to be a time of joy and reverence and celebration and excitement and deep, deep faith. (Also snacks, because you gotta feed body AND soul. It's important.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about my place in all of that - how can I serve? How can I make my mark on this momentous occasion? What does service even look like?

Part of me REALLY wants it to be a big fancy thing. Bright lights, neon signs, big impact. Name goes down in history for doing huge things, changing the world. But...that's not really what I'm good at. If this was a video game, I'd be a support character. The healer, not the hero. The character with one or two moves that aren't useful except for like super specific circumstances when they shine, or one of a pile of minions that aren't super great on their own, but stick a bunch of them together and magic happens.

Is there room for me? Is that enough? Not just right now, as we move into the Bicentenary period, but other times, when there's not this great momentum moving us to this amazing moment? How can I serve Baha'u'llah, my community, the world...when I am just one me?

(image courtesy of besw515@gmail.com, used with permission)

I think about this idea a lot - that anything I do in the spirit of service, is worship. So it doesn't matter if it is a big thing or a small thing, if I do it in the right mindset, it's an act of worship. 

This has helped me reframe a lot of things in my life - I don't have to be necessarily the most bestest and brightest shining-est Baha'i who everyone knows is going out and doing the stuff in the best perfect-est way - I can keep living my life of small joys and small moments, of noticing and breathing into the quiet. 

It's like how I do the newsletter every Baha'i month for my community. It's a small thing - just a page or two on what's going on locally and around the world, events that are coming up, stuff we want to celebrate, things we want to be aware of, anything that we want to share with the community as a whole. I love it because it's something I can do from my house, so no matter where my brain is at, I can get it done. And it's something that is helping my community be better connected to each other, and helping me be better connected to it. It's been changing my community in small subtle ways, and it's been really fun to see. 

So I might not be at every event (my work schedule makes that tricky), I might not be out there teaching children's classes or working in obvious ways in my community, but this is my small way of sharing my skills with my Baha'i community. 

And it's not just about doing "Baha'i" things either - anything counts! So hey, if you make REALLY GOOD bread and you put your whole self into that, and into sharing that with people? That's worship. Checking in on your friends who just had a baby and bringing them soup or other needed things? Totally counts. Do you make sure you show up at your job every day and do your best to do whatever it is you're asked to do? You've got it, that's worship too, if you do it all in a spirit of honest service.

To me, that's the hard bit - it's easy to do good things, but to do them as honest acts of service, instead of waiting for the praise and pat on the head or whatever sort of reward...that takes a bit more work. But, I'm trying my best, and every day, I try to do it a little better than the day before.

So I don't know what the bicentenary will look like. I don't know what my service will look like. But I will go in with my best most honest heart, and do whatever I can to show the love of Baha'u'llah to the world around me. It's all I can do.