We Can Burn Brighter Than The Sun

I keep waiting for the day I feel like a grown up, it feels like. I'm 32, and I keep thinking that at some point, I will wake up and actually feel adult. So far, that hasn't happened. Sure, I make sure the bills are paid, I go to work, all of that, but I also have a lunch bag that can double as a cat puppet, my room is full of plushies of various kinds, and juiceboxes and Goldfish crackers are my go-to comfort foods.

So...what makes you a grownup? Do you have to be grownup all the time? Can we learn anything from the not-grownups in our lives?

I've been working through some of the Junior Youth Empowerment Program books with a friend. They're aimed at people much younger than me, intended to help teach various moral and spiritual values and a general idea of empowerment. They avoid being overtly religious, because that's not really the point - it's not a conversion tool. They're inspired by various Baha'i concepts, but that's really as far as it goes. And yes, they're not *technically* aimed at older youth or adults, but that hasn't stopped me from getting a LOT out of them.

Right now, we're going through one called "Thinking About Numbers". As the title states...it's about math. Like counting and arithmetic math. Math is...not my strong suit, so it's been fun because it has honestly been changing how I, well, think about numbers. We're not very far in, but I can't wait to see what sorts of things I get out of it. But it's not just about the math concepts - all of those concepts are good, and do need to be taught, but the book also frames them in their wider context. It's not just "learn about math because...you have to because school says so", it's "learn these things and how to think about numbers and math concepts as part of also learning how to grow and be a part of your local reality, your community, your world". 

I never liked math in school because after a bit, you stop learning why it's useful, and how it can help you, and it's just "learn these complicated things because someone else decided that this is summarily important for everyone even though you're likely going to forget them and never use them." (I'm looking at you, quadratic equation.) But this...this is different. It reminds me about how so much of my faith is centered around looking at the world and it's problems, refusing to accept that things are just how they are, and working to change it where we can. 

Some of the books (like the first one we looked at, called Breezes of Confirmation), focus more directly on moral/spiritual matters - and I think that's also important too. All of the books are so focused on giving young people agency and learning about self-direction and letting them be an active participant not just in the books and what they're learning from them, but also in their local communities.

I really like this chance to look at these books, because, well, they weren't a part of my youth. I like seeing what sort of things we're trying to help children and teens learn to be fully able to take an active role in their world, and they're also good for me - I am learning so much, just because I am taking time to think about these concepts. I imagine anyone who works through them with junior youth also leans a lot, because you'd see these things through their eyes.

So maybe it's okay I'm not a grownup all the time, and that I still haven't figured out what that looks like. Maybe it means knowing I don't have all the answers, and that I won't, and that it's okay. Maybe it means not dismissing things just because they're aimed at kids, and remembering that learning never really stops.

Threw Our Roses in the Snow

It's...suddenly very winter. This week went from "oh hey I can still get away with running shoes and my middle weight coat" to "BOOTS HATS MITTS BIG COAT ALL OF IT ALL THE LAYERS". Complete with large piles of snow everywhere.

It's cold, it's dark, it's not my favourite time of year. Coming home from work in the dark is hard, and I miss green and growing things. Sparkly snow is nice, but then I think about the sidewalks not being safe, and I lose my happy.

So, I am trying to focus on the things that...aren't dark cold misery slush gross. Like how people are getting excited about the holidays (whatever wintery ones you celebrate). This is my first holiday season since I declared, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. How do I integrate my new Baha'i self, with all the holiday stuff around me?

I mean...mostly, it's not gonna change. I'm still excitedly finding Christmas gifts for my loved ones (I bought the BEST book for my nephew, and I can't wait to read it with him), planning events with my family and friends so we can see each other and eat delicious things (that reminds me, I should find my speculaas recipe...) and enjoy each other's company. I might not "do Christmas" in the same way my Christian family or friends do, as in it's not a Baha'i holy day or anything, but I still love the happy spirit of it, and the chances to remind people I like that oh hey, yes, it's dark, its cold, there's snow everywhere, but we can find the joy amidst all of that.

So, I'm starting my list of card-sending, like I try to do when I can afford it. They might be Christmas cards for my Christmas-celebrating friends, or just "hi I like you, good job surviving the snow so far" cards for my non-Christmas friends, or whatever it is my loved ones find important about this time of year. Because yes, it's prompted by this outpouring of love and connection that this time of year seems to bring up in people, but mostly, it's a good excuse to go "HEY YOU, YES YOU...I like you, thanks for making it through another year with me."

And then today I realized...it's actually MORE FUN being a Baha'i this year! Because once Christmas is done and all the ornaments are packed up and the tree is gone and we've welcomed a new year....WE GET TO DO IT AGAIN. Kinda. Not quite the same, but still.

You see, the Baha'i calendar is...not the same as the "normal" calendar.  Our calendar starts on Naw-Ruz which set on the vernal equinox (so March 21 ish). We have 19 months of 19 days, and there's always a few days that don't fit into that. Some people call them just the Intercalary Days, which okay yep, true, but they're also a festival! It's called Ayyam-i-Ha, and it's basically about socializing with people, being hospitable to people, sharing with the poor and needy, and just...getting your celebration and joy on before the month of fasting (which is the last month of the Baha'i year).

This year, Ayyam-i-Ha is from February 26-29. So right in that bit of winter where you're pretty convinced that Spring might just not make it here this year! I realized that there's nothing stopping me from also sending people cards for Ayyam-i-Ha, so this year, I'm gonna try. I figure most people I know will appreciate the bit of non-bills related mail, and it's a bit more unexpected joy, which the world is in much need of. I'm kinda excited for this - I like the idea that before I get into the fast, where I'm all comtemplative and recharging my spiritual batteries...I get to recharge my friendship and community batteries too.

I am probably going to try to make my own cards, because that sounds like fun (and I am pretty sure the dollar store won't have any Ayyam-i-Ha cards), so that will be a fun chance to be creative too.

I'm slowly figuring out how to integrate my Baha'i bits with the rest of my bits, and it's a fun adventure. Although I promise, I won't send lots of glitter on the cards. :)

You'll Always Follow the Voices Beneath

I read a lot. Like a lot a lot. As of earlier today, I've read 244 books since January 1st. My e-reader is always in my bag wherever I go, I read while I walk, I read on the bus, I read everywhere and I read super fast. It's just something I've always been able to do - I started reading really young, and I just...never stopped. I like books! They're my constant companions.

The only problem is, though, is that I read in my head. I very rarely have to read out loud in my day to day life, so I've never really thought about it - there've been a number of words where I am not always sure if how my brain reads them is how they should come out of my mouth, but I can mostly get by without worry. That is, until relatively recently, when I've been asked to read things as part of Ruhi circles, or during the devotional portion of Feast! All of a sudden I am tackling language out loud in a way that I've never really had to do before. And often, I'm reading things from the Writings, which means dealing with language patterns that are often unfamiliar to me - it's the language of revelation, modelled on the language patterns of the King James Bible, and sometimes my tongue gets tangled in the bigness of not only the words, but the concepts themselves. 

Not only that, I'm doing this in front of a number of people - if it's my Ruhi circle, it might only be a small handful, but if it is a devotional, it's a bigger handful, and if it's Feast, it means a relatively big handful (or maybe even both my cupped hands). I know my community is just grateful for my willingness to do it, but it trips me up hard. I read in my head with so much ease, but suddenly I'm in front of people and my tongue and my brain just struggle with working together.

On top of all this - I'm a very anxious human. So I'm often trying to read, and also likely wiggling/stimming/twitching/flapping/moving some parts of me at the same time, and also probably giving up on the idea of making eye contact entirely. All of my focus goes to making sure I give the words I am reading the respect they so deserve. I manage pretty well (although words like quintessence and omnipotence never fail to tangle my tongue.)

It's one of the weird moments in my life where I can really notice some of my more neuroatypical traits, and it's kinda jarring sometimes. I mean yes, I often end up with my fidget cube in my fingers at some point during the longer bits of Feast so my brain can pay attention, or I handflap when I get really excited (come on, how could you not be excited by the phrase "That time has come." from the 2019 Ridvan message?), but those just feel like extensions of my emotions or an attempt to make sure I'm giving people my attention and focus. When I have to read out loud in front of people, there's a little voice in the back of my head going "NOT ONLY are we reading out loud BUT ALSO people are gonna notice you're twisting and rubbing your fingers or tapping your feet or or or or or".

So a lot of this is just me...learning in public, I guess, how to accept myself in all of myself, in all of my most imperfectnesses. I might need to practice reading out loud (my cat makes an excellent captive audience), I might not ever be able to properly look people in the eye as I read prayers or quotes from the Writings, I might always be a twitchy kinetic stimming bouncing joy bean - and that's okay. I'm Ash, and I'm always trying. As Baha'u'llah tells us, O SON OF BEING! Bring thyself to account each day ere thou art summoned to a reckoning" - which to me has always felt like a reminder that I should always think about my actions, and always strive to keep a humble posture of learning, no matter what. So, I will keep reading at Feast, I'll keep embracing my handflaps of joy and the way hearing about some aspects of pilgrimage or the history of the Baha'i Faith literally making me have to lie down on the floor flattened with my limbs stretched out like a starfish. 

Whispering a Prayer in the Fury of a Storm

Full of mixed emotions tonight. Recently, I had to step back from an internet community I put a lot of love and tears and energy in for a long time, because I couldn't sustain the sheer demand on my spoons that it was requiring, with all the changes going on in my life. I'm not the same me that I was, and that's....kinda to be expected, but it's still hard when it's the community that gave me a large number of my friends, it's where I met my husband, it's indirectly responsible for me coming to find the Baha'i faith. So it was a hard thing to let go.

On top of my personal stuff, it meant that the leadership had to look for new humans to serve it, which is done through an election using the Single Transferable Vote model. It's not a perfect system. It never has been, and never will be. It's better than First Past the Post style stuff, but you've still got people campaigning and you've got politics and oh, it's a mess. But election went on, people nominated themselves, they declared their "platform" (such as it is), people voted, people were elected.

So here we sit, where I'd ideally be feeling like oh hey, cool, the community is safe in the hands of the best people that the site could find to lead itself. Except...the community is unhappy. The election was...messy, and while the people who were elected are good people, there's still a lot of upsetness and worry around what this means for the site/community now, because the approaches of the new moderators worry some of community, for a variety of reasons.

And honestly, this post isn't about my feelings on the issue in terms of the site itself - the election went how it went, the people that got elected know how things work, they know how to handle the things they need to handle. But it just has me thinking a lot about how election systems as a whole are kinda broken - this whole thing about campaigning and trying to convince people you are the best thing they need, and sometimes there's lies and sliding the truth just a little sideways, and I can't help it, all I see is how unhappy and confused the community is now. They thought they were getting what they needed, and now they're not sure, and everyone's kinda on edge as they try to figure out what is going to happen going forward.

That got *me* thinking about the other election I've been a part of recently-ish, my local community's yearly election for our Local Spiritual Assembly. (If you don't know how Baha'i elections work - any Baha'i in good standing over the age of 21 is eligible to both vote AND to be voted for. There's explicitly no campaigning, no nominations, you're really not even supposed to discuss who you're going to vote for with others (discussing the sorts of qualities or ideals etc that you might look for in the sorts of people that your community needs to lead them is a separate matter, however, and that is something you definitely should be trying to figure out together!). It's basically supposed to be between you and God to figure out who you feel are the nine people in your community best suited for this role.

We have some guidance, as Shoghi Effendi reminds us  - "Hence it is incumbent upon the chosen delegates to consider without the least trace of passion and prejudice, and irrespective of any material consideration, the names of only those who can best combine the necessary qualities of unquestioned loyalty, of selfless devotion, of a well-trained mind, of recognized ability and mature experience... Nothing short of the all-encompassing, all-pervading power of His Guidance and Love can enable this newly enfolded order to gather strength and flourish amid the storm and stress of a turbulent age, and in the fullness of time vindicate its high claim to be universally recognized as the one Haven of abiding felicity and peace."

And yes, spiritual election is vastly different than internet community moderatorship election, but it just made me think about how different the election felt. Yes, we had far from a perfect turnout at our election, and yes, I am sure there are people who disagree with how it ultimately went, and I am sure you could poke holes in the logic of how it works if you wanted to . But it very much felt like my community was doing it's best to come together and find a group of people that represented all our needs, and who we felt could help guide us through the next year as we kept walking the path that Baha'u'llah has laid out for us.

So now I just kinda find myself sitting here, going  "Okay, well, now what? How do I sit with all of this? How do I keep this weird guilt at bay that the unhappiness is my fault for saying I couldn't keep leading?" and I think the only real thing I can do, is remind myself that sometimes, saying you can't do something is the most important thing - knowing when you no longer have the same capacity to love/care/give of yourself as you used to is a very tricky thing. I can sit with the community, I can love on them, I can help remind them of their good bits, and maybe, we can talk about what we can do, regardless of our feelings about the leadership body, to both respect the position and role of those who are serving as moderators, but also keep making the internet a better, kinder, welcoming, supportive, useful place. It might feel like "All I ever do is try to empty the sea with this teaspoon; all I can do is keep trying to empty the sea with this teaspoon" style labour (h/t to Shakesville for that one) but if all of us have teaspoons, maybe it will not be so bad.

There Are Moments That the Words Don't Reach

Love is such a tricky word. It seems simple, we use it all the time. I love pizza, I love my cat, I love romance novels, I love my mom, my dad, Baha'u'llah, the smell of the air after a rainstorm, the colour purple, sparkly nail polish, love love love love love.

We *say* love all the time, and then sometimes we get REALLY weird about it. People can say they love their family, their partner, their pets, but the moment you say you love a friend (in that way that makes it clear that we are talking *love* love, not like *pizza* love), people start to slide sideways. (Double sliding if said friend is of the opposite sex and you are married or otherwise attached). 

There doesn't seem to be room in the world for this idea of deep platonic love. People tend to think the only kind of love that *counts* is romantic love, and beyond that just being HORRIBLY reductive and erasing the aromantic humans of the world, it always sat SO awkward to me. Why can't I love my friends? Why can't I look them in the eye and tell them I love them and hug them so tight I think we both might implode? Why are we SO afraid to love?

In my experience, so much of it comes down to vulnerability. The more we love, deeply and unabashedly, the more we gotta sit with our own fractured shattery depths, the more we gotta let people in even when we aren't our best perfect-est selves. It's *terrifying* to think of what could happen. What if we trust, and then they drop us, and where does that leave us if we are just so....open all the time? It leaves us prone to having our tenderest selves poked and prodded and possibly bruised. 

But....let's sit with that a moment.

Recently, I sat with a group of people I love (my Ruhi book 1 group) and we talked about some of the hardest bits of ourselves. It wasn't intentional - I had some past life context I thought was appropriate to share, and it just kinda exploded from there. There were tears and fear and a lot of messy bits, but then...then this happened.

I dunno if you can see all the love in this picture, but I sure as heck can. (For reference, I'm in the middle.) No one in this picture *had* to be here, had to sit with each other in the darkest dark, but we did, because we all took a chance on opening our hearts and just knew that we could, because of our shared context, love on each other. Maybe we didn't fix the world, but all of us breathe a little easier, because we know that we can be our most authentic, vulnerable selves, without fear.

As someone *much* wiser than me said,“ . . . If a small number of people gather lovingly together, with absolute purity and sanctity, with their hearts free of the world, experiencing the emotions of the Kingdom and the powerful magnetic forces of the Divine, and being at one in their happy fellowship, that gathering will exert its influence over all the earth.” (Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 81)

Love is scary. Love is hard and terrifying and it is *hard work*. But it's not impossible, and it's *important*. We talk about how we have to love ourselves, this whole movement of self care and self love, and how we have to love our partners and our children, but...maybe, maybe there's more we gotta do. Maybe we gotta learn to love on each other, so we can share the things of our hearts and we can all move a little safer.