The only problem is, though, is that I read in my head. I very rarely have to read out loud in my day to day life, so I've never really thought about it - there've been a number of words where I am not always sure if how my brain reads them is how they should come out of my mouth, but I can mostly get by without worry. That is, until relatively recently, when I've been asked to read things as part of Ruhi circles, or during the devotional portion of Feast! All of a sudden I am tackling language out loud in a way that I've never really had to do before. And often, I'm reading things from the Writings, which means dealing with language patterns that are often unfamiliar to me - it's the language of revelation, modelled on the language patterns of the King James Bible, and sometimes my tongue gets tangled in the bigness of not only the words, but the concepts themselves.
Not only that, I'm doing this in front of a number of people - if it's my Ruhi circle, it might only be a small handful, but if it is a devotional, it's a bigger handful, and if it's Feast, it means a relatively big handful (or maybe even both my cupped hands). I know my community is just grateful for my willingness to do it, but it trips me up hard. I read in my head with so much ease, but suddenly I'm in front of people and my tongue and my brain just struggle with working together.
On top of all this - I'm a very anxious human. So I'm often trying to read, and also likely wiggling/stimming/twitching/flapping/moving some parts of me at the same time, and also probably giving up on the idea of making eye contact entirely. All of my focus goes to making sure I give the words I am reading the respect they so deserve. I manage pretty well (although words like quintessence and omnipotence never fail to tangle my tongue.)
It's one of the weird moments in my life where I can really notice some of my more neuroatypical traits, and it's kinda jarring sometimes. I mean yes, I often end up with my fidget cube in my fingers at some point during the longer bits of Feast so my brain can pay attention, or I handflap when I get really excited (come on, how could you not be excited by the phrase "That time has come." from the 2019 Ridvan message?), but those just feel like extensions of my emotions or an attempt to make sure I'm giving people my attention and focus. When I have to read out loud in front of people, there's a little voice in the back of my head going "NOT ONLY are we reading out loud BUT ALSO people are gonna notice you're twisting and rubbing your fingers or tapping your feet or or or or or".
So a lot of this is just me...learning in public, I guess, how to accept myself in all of myself, in all of my most imperfectnesses. I might need to practice reading out loud (my cat makes an excellent captive audience), I might not ever be able to properly look people in the eye as I read prayers or quotes from the Writings, I might always be a twitchy kinetic stimming bouncing joy bean - and that's okay. I'm Ash, and I'm always trying. As Baha'u'llah tells us, O SON OF BEING! Bring thyself to account each day ere thou art summoned to a reckoning" - which to me has always felt like a reminder that I should always think about my actions, and always strive to keep a humble posture of learning, no matter what. So, I will keep reading at Feast, I'll keep embracing my handflaps of joy and the way hearing about some aspects of pilgrimage or the history of the Baha'i Faith literally making me have to lie down on the floor flattened with my limbs stretched out like a starfish.
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