Hope You Laugh More than You Cry

Summer's over, it's turning into fall, and it feels like everything is changing. The leaves are going to lose their colour, I'm starting to pack to move into a new apartment, my husband is looking for work (he immigrated here at the end of June)...so much is going to be different by the time the year ends. I've kinda been...swamped under it all. Work is tricky right now and it is taking a lot of my patience, and there are so many details to figure out with my move, and there are SO MANY boxes to pack. Plus, we're managing on one income right now (but God willing, not for much longer!). So much going on, and very few moments to squish it all into, let alone to just breathe and...not think about any of it.

Change is hard. I've lived in the same apartment in the basement of a house for almost 7 years, I know my neighbourhood inside and out. I know when the buses come and go, I know where the good bread is found, and the best spot to get coffee. Admittedly, I'm only moving 3 kilometers away, but still. New neighbourhood, different sector of my Baha'i community, different apartment (but no more laundromat trips! We will have on-site laundry!). New patterns of life, new struggles, new challenges, new joys and delights.

I'm trying to just sit with all of this change, and trust that God's going to see us through, as he always has. I might be saying Remover of Difficulties ("Is there any Remover of difficulties save God?  Say: Praised be God!  He is God!  All are His servants, and all abide by His bidding!") over and over and over (it's a nice short prayer, and I find it helps even as just a mantra to keep me chill), but that's because I know He's got us, and is holding us and guiding us through this. Even if I am shaking in my boots most of the time and have cried from exhaustion and stress more than I want to admit.

There's a quote I found recently from Abdu'l-Baha that I really like - "Man must turn to the light and not think that the form of the lamp is essential, for the lamp may be changed; but he who longs for light welcomes it from whatever source it comes." (Divine Philosophy, p. 33). It reminds me that in the end, it doesn't much matter where I live or what's going on, as long as I know where to find my light. Maybe it's a flashlight and not a big fancy Tiffany lamp, or it's flickering firelight or a single leftover birthday candle - what matters is that I know where it is and I look to it. So I carry a bit of God's light with me in the prayers I know and the quotes from the Writings that float in my head, and I fill myself with light during my Ruhi circles or Nineteen Day Feast or reading all of the Baha'i books I can get my hands on. I spend time with my friends and my loved ones, I take time for myself when I need it, and I remind myself that even if I was the only Baha'i on an island somewhere, isolated and alone, I have God's love and Baha'u'llah's guidance written on my heart.

So I can face all this change. I'm not doing it alone, and maybe right now there's more tears than laughter, but I'm making my way.