They Linger in Closets and Under My Bed

It's almost the end of the year! Well, almost the end of the Baha'i year. Right now it's the last few days of Ayyam-i-Ha, then just 19 more days after that is Naw Ruz, the new year. Year 177 in the Baha'i calendar! And so I find myself in a very reflective mood.

So much has changed this year. Heck, so much has changed in my life in the past few months. I have more stability in some ways, less in others. Things I thought were going to be wonderful things that brought good to my family haven't, and things I didn't think would work out have worked out in ways I'd never expected. 

Right now, though, I have to be patient. I have to wait for a lot of things that are completely out of my control to come to fruition, and the world being dark and full of cold and snow isn't helping much. I know spring's gonna come someday, because it's never not come, but right now, things feel...more impossible and hard to sit with than I wanted them to be. I've talked before about the power of sitting with someone in the quiet spaces, and how it's okay to not have all the answers, but this time, it's a little different.

You see, we're heading into the Baha'i Fast. The last month of the Baha'i calendar is a time of fasting (abstaining from food or drink from sunrise to sunset, if you are able - no putting yourself in danger if medical stuff prevents you, or if you are elderly or very young or travelling), and also a time of prayer and comtemplation - reflecting on the year that's past, disconnecting from our material self and focusing on our spiritual selves. So...sitting in the quiet spaces is almost expected to happen during the Fast, as we sit with ourselves and with each other. 

It's not about punishment, it's not about atonement or absolution, it's about letting go of the world and sinking deeper into our relationship with God. As Abdu'l-Baha wrote, "this material fast is an outer token of the spiritual fast; it is a symbol of self-restraint, the withholding of oneself from all appetites of the self, taking on the characteristics of the spirit, being carried away by the breathings of heaven and catching fire from the love of God". 

For 19 days, it's not about us, our meat-selves and our "idle fancies and vain imaginings". We pause, we reflect, we pray. It's not easy, but its an act of love that requires a lot of patience. So, there's patience layered on patience layered on patience, right now. Patience for the upcoming Fast, patience for my life stuff that's going on in the background, and most of all, patience for myself. I'm not perfect at any of this. In fact...I'm awful at a lot of it. But this year, I'm going to try to sit with myself, in my perfectly imperfectness. I will sit with my joy, with my heartache, with my ardent love for Baha'u'llah,with the things that aren't where I want them to be and the things I don't know yet where they're going.  As Baha'u'llah reminds me in one of my favourite Hidden Words, O SON OF MAN! For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials." (The video below is a sung version of this passage by Rosanna Lea, which is what helped me memorize it a while back.)

We Can Burn Brighter Than The Sun

I keep waiting for the day I feel like a grown up, it feels like. I'm 32, and I keep thinking that at some point, I will wake up and actually feel adult. So far, that hasn't happened. Sure, I make sure the bills are paid, I go to work, all of that, but I also have a lunch bag that can double as a cat puppet, my room is full of plushies of various kinds, and juiceboxes and Goldfish crackers are my go-to comfort foods.

So...what makes you a grownup? Do you have to be grownup all the time? Can we learn anything from the not-grownups in our lives?

I've been working through some of the Junior Youth Empowerment Program books with a friend. They're aimed at people much younger than me, intended to help teach various moral and spiritual values and a general idea of empowerment. They avoid being overtly religious, because that's not really the point - it's not a conversion tool. They're inspired by various Baha'i concepts, but that's really as far as it goes. And yes, they're not *technically* aimed at older youth or adults, but that hasn't stopped me from getting a LOT out of them.

Right now, we're going through one called "Thinking About Numbers". As the title states...it's about math. Like counting and arithmetic math. Math is...not my strong suit, so it's been fun because it has honestly been changing how I, well, think about numbers. We're not very far in, but I can't wait to see what sorts of things I get out of it. But it's not just about the math concepts - all of those concepts are good, and do need to be taught, but the book also frames them in their wider context. It's not just "learn about math because...you have to because school says so", it's "learn these things and how to think about numbers and math concepts as part of also learning how to grow and be a part of your local reality, your community, your world". 

I never liked math in school because after a bit, you stop learning why it's useful, and how it can help you, and it's just "learn these complicated things because someone else decided that this is summarily important for everyone even though you're likely going to forget them and never use them." (I'm looking at you, quadratic equation.) But this...this is different. It reminds me about how so much of my faith is centered around looking at the world and it's problems, refusing to accept that things are just how they are, and working to change it where we can. 

Some of the books (like the first one we looked at, called Breezes of Confirmation), focus more directly on moral/spiritual matters - and I think that's also important too. All of the books are so focused on giving young people agency and learning about self-direction and letting them be an active participant not just in the books and what they're learning from them, but also in their local communities.

I really like this chance to look at these books, because, well, they weren't a part of my youth. I like seeing what sort of things we're trying to help children and teens learn to be fully able to take an active role in their world, and they're also good for me - I am learning so much, just because I am taking time to think about these concepts. I imagine anyone who works through them with junior youth also leans a lot, because you'd see these things through their eyes.

So maybe it's okay I'm not a grownup all the time, and that I still haven't figured out what that looks like. Maybe it means knowing I don't have all the answers, and that I won't, and that it's okay. Maybe it means not dismissing things just because they're aimed at kids, and remembering that learning never really stops.